The Parable of the Oat Bran Muffin

Jesus said unto Mary McGaffin come forth and bake your Oat Bran Muffins, my father awaits me. And so as it was said, Mary McGaffin baked her Oat Bran Muffins.

Jesus looked upon the feast of muffins and proceeded to eat every last on of them in front of the needy and the starving, claiming that the humble Oat Bran Muffin was vital to the workings of God. "And besides I'm bloody hungry", he added. Enough muffins to feed the multitudes were consumed by Jesus in one sitting.

Jesus then left the crowd of lepers, thieves, beggars, and no-hopers that he usually hung out with and wandered into the desert. Only the truly faithful, his disciples, followed him.

After walking for an hour Jesus stopped and said unto his disciples, "It is at this spot that I will ascend to heaven and sit on the right-hand of the Lord".

At that moment Jesus broke wind to such a massive extent that large clouds of gas billowed from his anus, the earth shook, and the backside of the bed sheet he wore as some kind of trendy Kaftan ripped to pieces revealing one huge pair of rumbling buttocks. Jesus ascended into the heavens at a considerable speed. All the disciples exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!".

John said unto the disciples, "It’s a miracle, a miracle, Jesus ascends to the heavens to sit upon the right-hand of God". Peter added, "It is a damn miracle he didn't shit himself". They all agreed.

Standing at the back of the group Thomas asked, "Did he say sit or ....?". "Either way," Matthew interjected, "I wouldn't let anyone sit on my hand after doing that."

At this very moment all the disciples turned and slowly wandered back to Jerusalem in search of Mary McGaffin’s Holy Oat Bran Muffins.

Ó     Copyright Craig Buller 2000. All rights reserved. Not to be reprinted or reproduced without the expressed permission of the author.